I have often teased those women I know who as they got older found sleep to be something they often couldn't fimd.  Lately I've become one of them.  I often find myself awake and staring at the ceiling with my mind racing in a hundred different directions.  Thoughts I think I've buried in the light of day, but which seem to wait until I should be deep asleep to appear.

There are times when life and the changes which come with it sometimes can be so physically and emotionally exhausting.  In the last few months I think I have felt the pressure of life more than I have ever before.  Fighting depression is probably the most exhausting part of my life at the moment.  I have never in my life felt so very all alone and not know what to do with it. 

Depression, has been a life long adult companion of mine.  Most times medication and self control can keep in place where life is possible to handle.  I realize this has been the most difficult year I have experienced in a very long time.  Yet, this time it the demons just won't go away and it feels as though I am oftening fighting for my whole self.  I have never felt as though my whole soul is lost and I have lost the art of emotion or feeling for the world around me.  I long to be angry and fight back, but there just isn't the energy to do it. 

I long for my companion who when he was alive often got frustrated with these times in my life, but was there to hold me and love me and be my support.  After all these years I still miss having someone who knows me and accepts me for who I am.

Sleep, is one of those passing commodities of life, especailly as you get older.  Sometimes my mind races in so many different directions it is difficult to piece together all my thoughts.  Tonight or I should say this morning my thoughts are focused on how I have let my anger towards a situation and the individuals define how I feel about life in general.  The light bulb went on as  I lay in bed, about how I have let the anger linger on and take over so many of the aspects of how I feel about everything in life.  I have felt as though my soul was empty with no space to have any other emotions except the anger and the need for others to feel it also.

In the process of being angry, I have stopped seeing the joy in life.  I have mourned the loss of someone I love and expected more from this individual than I believe is available.  I want absolution, I want my side of the situation to be seen and acknowledged, I want the bad person in the incident to acknowledge how very wrong he was and I realized today that won't happen.  The individuals in this situation have moved on life is as usual with them and they expect me to feel that way too.  I may never feel life is usual again in this relationship, but I realize my anger is not helping me heal.

I want to see the good in life agaian, bring out my Polly Anna thoughts and enjoy the world around me.
Joy, is the sweet facebook stories posted by my daughters about the children.  The pictures of those sweet grandchildren I love so much.  Or a friend who shares their daily life whether it be a good day of bad day. 
Joy, is the peace I feel as fall burst forth in color and beautiful sunny days or the peace which comes on a rainy day where you can snuggle on the couch in front of fire and read a book or watch a movie.  It is the peace of turning to a friend for help and feeling the comfort of their love for you and their willingness to help you with your struggles.  It is the peace that prayer can bring and the knowledge God is there to hear your prayers

I have a dear friend who is dying and it is always difficult to know someone you love is reaching the end of their life.  Yet, there is joy in watching this friend bravely live the last months of his life, especially as he testifies of his knowledge of God and God's gospel.  He is dying gracefully and this reminds me of the blessings and the lessons I learned so many years ago as I watched my beloved husband die.

I am reminded there is joy in so many aspects of life, that lookig for the little and big parts of the good of each day isn't as great of a burden as I have thought it could be.

I know there are times when I will feel the burden of the loss of the individual I have anger towards, but I hope my heart will continue to soften and find more acceptance as time goes by.  I know I can learn to forgive, forgetting will be harder, but I know now is the time to move forward.

I love writing here because no one ever reads it anyway.  In the world I live in I must pretend life is wonderful and I am always doing well and I am perfectly happy.  Little does anyone no how much the world is just the opposite.  I am fighting a deep depression which of course in the world I live in isn't allowed.  I am facing a struggle just to get myself out of bed each day and make it to work and put on the happy, kind face I need for my job. 
I feel as though I've lost my sout and I am functioning on as little power as possible and there is no one in the world to share this with.  My children each have their own view of the world and the one I have a very good relationship with would not tolerate my depression only because she believes it can be conquered.  I don't believe my other children have enough reserves in their own lives to deal with me and depression, so I keep it too myself.  I have no friends to turn too and I feel as though I am all alone in the world.
I was raised to believe God is my Father in Heaven and I have a strong belief in him, but I feel as though I am not worthy of his love and caring at the moment.  My low value of myself, leads me to believe he really doesn't have time for me either.
I long for someone to put their arms around me and hold me and tell me I can make it through this emotional pain and the physical pain which I am suffering because of a torn tendion in my foot and arthritis.  I long to accepted for who I am and not for what I think everyone expects of me.

Family and Me

My dream was to have all of my children and grandchildren together to celebrate my 60th a birthday.  I figured the grandkids are growing up and my own kids don't like to get together with each other often so I would use this opportunity to do something I really wanted to do.  We had a lovely time except for one individual who arrived set on making the event miserable for everyone and worked especially hard at the task.  The two weeks of visitng ended in disaster as I had to ask one child and her family too leave becasue of her husband. 
In the process of all this happening I have felt awful, I have been angery at my child because she can see both sides, but doesn't know how badly I have been hurt.  Our relationship has been changed and I will admit it hasn't always been the best of relationships.  I have often claimed she entered the world at odds with me and most of our lives it has been that way.  This past couple of years I have been striving so hard to give her and husband the benefit of the doubt and even had to beg other children to come to my birthday because they were going to be there.  In my dream world everything wouldn't have been perfect, but there would have been a semblence of getting along.
It has been six weeks now or more and she has made effort to smooth things into some type of semblance of peace, but I still want her to know how much she allowed me to be hurt and she keeps apologizing for her husband, but he has never had to be responsible for his actions, he has never had to take back the ugly things he did and said and he is still her hero.  I guess what I don't understand is how can you raise a child to make such a horrible choice in a companion?  How could she allow him to treat her mother and her family in the manner he did and still defend him?
I recently told a friend I felt as though my soul had lost all feeling.  In the world I come from I would never be in this postion with one of my children.  I am not stupid I realize chidren become adults and pick their own paths, but there is always the hope you can also have a relationship with them.  I lost one of my children this summer, in a manner that is so very painful and I realize that as long as I stay angry it will stay this way,  Yet, I can't find the place to forgive, I will never forget, because too many times I have turned the other cheek and forgiven this mans actions, I will forgive her and move forward sometime, but I no longer want anything to do with her husband, his disprespect and hurtful actions have happened too many times in my life to try to be around him again.
Oh, how wish for peace in my life.