The air has the first feel of summer coming to and end.  The evenings are shorter, the air is crisp and the mornings are a bit cooler.  This summer has not really been one I have enjoyed.  I spent most of the time recuperating from foot surgery in a large black boot, unable to walk.  I almost feel cheated, because there have not been any long walks at the beach or sitting in the sand building sand tunnels and whatever with my grandchildren.  I missed making those memories with them and for myself. 

One of my sweet granddaughters started kindergarten this week and I thought about her summer ending so quickly.  School always changes the face of a day and here I am still trying to cling onto the remaining strands of the summer. 


As a child summer was meant for summer vacation and spending time with my mother's family in Idaho and Utah.  Summer was haying season and my father took his vacation so he could help his cousin and brother-in-law with haying.  I loved the farm, I thought it was the most wonderful place in the whole world.  With cows, chickens, and horses, it was a world apart from my city life.  I especially loved my aunt and uncle and their family.  It was special too because my mother was much happier here than at home and so for one month of every year this different mother presented herself and I loved it.  My boy cousins were close to my age so I was their tag along, and the person they teased mercifully  I loved them more than they ever imagined.  I still am stirred to memories when I drive through farming communities and smell hay or cows, it makes those memories alive and real.

As I write I guess the one thing I want to give my children and grandchildren is summer memories, ones that will stir their hearts when they are older and people who they loved are no longer here and they still long for those times..


 

A few thoughts

On June 24th I had surgery on my right foot.  I went into surgery thinking I would be feeling well within two weeks and the doctors rule that I would have to have someone with me for six weeks would change.  Little did I know about how hard it would be and how dependent upon others I would be. 

The first three weeks were miserable and I was very uncomfortable and did not feel well at all.  Two of my daughters came and helped and my house was full of children.  One daughter left and one stayed and she was my primary caregiver, chauffeur.cook and everything I needed done for about three weeks.  She has a ten year old and a four year old and I got used to having someone in my house all the time.  The children added another element of fun which I had forgotten about.  I wasn't always the grandmother they are used to having but they were very patient with me and took good care of me and were always doing things I needed done.

Then, another daughter came from Illinois and brought with her a 9 week old baby, 21/2  and 4 year old.  For a few days I again had two daughters and their families here.  On Sunday my daughter who had been here the longest left and I only had one family left to visit.  Last night they left and it is so strange to feel the emptiness of my house.  I imagined it would be good to have my house all to myself again.  To be alone and function as I am used too on my own.  Yet, I feel extremely sad.  I cried last night as I climbed into my bed by myself with no little people to share it with.  Tonight, as I returned home from work I dreaded going home and facing the emptiness.

At times I want to rant and rave at God at the unfairness of this life and the burden of this empty house.  Most times I accept my journey and the fact that my life needed to take another path then the original one.  Yet, at times like this I feel the loss of having all my children live away from the town or area of their birth.  I long to be able to hop in the car and see them in a short journey or to have grandchildren visit on a regular visit.  I long to be able to do things without having to plan months ahead.  I wish it wasn't only summer birthdays I got to celebrate.  At times I feel really cheated.

Time will help my lonely heart, grandchildren will soon start school and summer vacation at Grandma Cathy's house will be a faint memory, but I still will miss them.


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