The air has the first feel of summer coming to and end.  The evenings are shorter, the air is crisp and the mornings are a bit cooler.  This summer has not really been one I have enjoyed.  I spent most of the time recuperating from foot surgery in a large black boot, unable to walk.  I almost feel cheated, because there have not been any long walks at the beach or sitting in the sand building sand tunnels and whatever with my grandchildren.  I missed making those memories with them and for myself. 

One of my sweet granddaughters started kindergarten this week and I thought about her summer ending so quickly.  School always changes the face of a day and here I am still trying to cling onto the remaining strands of the summer. 


As a child summer was meant for summer vacation and spending time with my mother's family in Idaho and Utah.  Summer was haying season and my father took his vacation so he could help his cousin and brother-in-law with haying.  I loved the farm, I thought it was the most wonderful place in the whole world.  With cows, chickens, and horses, it was a world apart from my city life.  I especially loved my aunt and uncle and their family.  It was special too because my mother was much happier here than at home and so for one month of every year this different mother presented herself and I loved it.  My boy cousins were close to my age so I was their tag along, and the person they teased mercifully  I loved them more than they ever imagined.  I still am stirred to memories when I drive through farming communities and smell hay or cows, it makes those memories alive and real.

As I write I guess the one thing I want to give my children and grandchildren is summer memories, ones that will stir their hearts when they are older and people who they loved are no longer here and they still long for those times..


 

A few thoughts

On June 24th I had surgery on my right foot.  I went into surgery thinking I would be feeling well within two weeks and the doctors rule that I would have to have someone with me for six weeks would change.  Little did I know about how hard it would be and how dependent upon others I would be. 

The first three weeks were miserable and I was very uncomfortable and did not feel well at all.  Two of my daughters came and helped and my house was full of children.  One daughter left and one stayed and she was my primary caregiver, chauffeur.cook and everything I needed done for about three weeks.  She has a ten year old and a four year old and I got used to having someone in my house all the time.  The children added another element of fun which I had forgotten about.  I wasn't always the grandmother they are used to having but they were very patient with me and took good care of me and were always doing things I needed done.

Then, another daughter came from Illinois and brought with her a 9 week old baby, 21/2  and 4 year old.  For a few days I again had two daughters and their families here.  On Sunday my daughter who had been here the longest left and I only had one family left to visit.  Last night they left and it is so strange to feel the emptiness of my house.  I imagined it would be good to have my house all to myself again.  To be alone and function as I am used too on my own.  Yet, I feel extremely sad.  I cried last night as I climbed into my bed by myself with no little people to share it with.  Tonight, as I returned home from work I dreaded going home and facing the emptiness.

At times I want to rant and rave at God at the unfairness of this life and the burden of this empty house.  Most times I accept my journey and the fact that my life needed to take another path then the original one.  Yet, at times like this I feel the loss of having all my children live away from the town or area of their birth.  I long to be able to hop in the car and see them in a short journey or to have grandchildren visit on a regular visit.  I long to be able to do things without having to plan months ahead.  I wish it wasn't only summer birthdays I got to celebrate.  At times I feel really cheated.

Time will help my lonely heart, grandchildren will soon start school and summer vacation at Grandma Cathy's house will be a faint memory, but I still will miss them.


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For about a year and a half, I have had the privilege of wearing a brace on my right foot, because of a damaged tendon.  The original hope was to make the tendon to repair on it's own and everything would be perfect again.  Of course as luck goes for me, it has done that and in two weeks I will have surgery on my foot and will be off it for about 6 weeks.  I had to choose summer, because coordinating my children to come and be my chauffer for that long was the only time available. 

I recently spent 10 days in Jacksonville,Illinois, with the brace and three small grandchildren, my daughter, and her husband.  It was hot and miserable the brace was not made to wear in hot weather.  After surgery, I will be wearing a boot for 24 hours almost most of the time.  I just wanted to warn my friends in the Seattle, area that I am not praying for heat this summer, just nice mild temps, maybe 75 degrees, but nothing highter.

I am getting a little shakey about the surgery, even though I have done surgery on this foot before, I have been in a great deal of pain this week and my hopes and prayers are the pain will be eliminated with surgery, it is something you never know.  My greatest fear is for the first time in many years I will be dependent on others for transportation, grocery shopping, and moral support.  I realize I have become quite independent and dislike asking for help in any way, shape. or manner.  This has been a humbling and scary process for me.  Even though most of the help is coming from my children, I have had to ask them to arrange the summer to meet my needs and it had some complications.  They were all more than willing, but I am a creature of habit and have had the opportunity to creature my own life pattern for my own comfort, having company for so many weeks will be a challenge.  I also worry, about the lack of ability to play and go places with my grandchildren.

My two weeks in Illinois, were full of fun and activity.  I have a lovely group of granchildren there.  I sometimes hold a grudge against their parents because they like the challenge of living away from home and that limits the time I can spend with their children. and them of course.  A new baby is always so nice to hold and cuddle and this new one is especially cuddley and likes to be held as much as possible.  His big brother and sister are his greates admirers and don't seem to realize sleep is baby brother's job at this particular time.

What a joy it is to see your daughters become mothers and watch as they develop their talents in that field.  What a joy it is for me to be a helper and by stander and know they are mine to love, but someone elses responsibility to be with all the time.  I know Gods wisdom in most incidents of mothers being in the early stage of life when they have babies.  Yet, I adore to be a participant.

I want to thank all who wished me a "Happy Birthday"  it made my heart feel good.

Christmas is over.

I feel somewhat meloncholy now that Santa has come and all the planning and baking and planning for the holiday is over.  I also feel a little sad, because soon I must return to the real world and face my job and the lonliness of being alone again.  I have loved being here and sharing my daughters children and her life with her.   I love the sweet little kisses and watching my 2 1/2 yrs. grandson say new sentences each day.  I have a chest cold and have vics rub on my chest and he told me today 'you stink", not polite but very true.  I believe it is harder for my 4 year old granddaughter to have me here, because she seems to sense when our time is coming to an end.  I don't often say "Why to God, but I do ask about this distance between us.

The winter weather was lovely here, especially over the holiday weekend few yards were disturbed and at night it was a beautiful winter wonderland.  The trees and some yards had snow on them for several days without any disturbance.

Today, I helped to take the ornaments off my daughters Christmes tree and many of her ornaments are ones given to her from her childhood, it is a little like going into the past and down memory lane.  Some are marked with dates and go back to when she was three and four years old.  It is often difficult to realize life has moved on so many years ahead.   There was an ornament from friends in Tucson, Arizona who for years we exchanged Christmas ornaments, that was until their family doubled ours and we couldn't afford to continue the tradition.   One from a trip we took to San Diego, Califronia , the year she graduated from college in December and we spent Christmas there.  One bought at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, each reminding me of a different time of life we have  shared.

As the end of the year approaches I know I must begin to evaluate this year, the good, bad, and ugly, and decide what I will change I'll write about that later.

It is the night before Christmas and little ones are taking their afternoon nap, the excitement of Christmas has been building for days. I don't think I have ever seen sweet Ella talk as fast as she did yesterday and their excitement is almost overwhelming.  This morning presents were wrapped for mom and dad and finally put beneath the tree and children are even more excited.

Tiny snowflakes fall covering the house tops and cars and the kind weather man states the snow may fall all day and Jacksonville, Illinois will have a white Christmas.  How grateful I am for this time of year.  I am grateful for the many blessings my Father in Heaven provides for me, especially with the ability physically and with the means to have this time with Mindy and her family.  What a joy it has been to be here and celebrate this time of year. We have made cookies and other treats for friends, I have spent the day at school with Ella, and we have been shopping and spending lots of time together.  Ezra at two years old has realized I am a good ally to have in his corner and Grandma is a nice lady to play with.  I also was privileged to see the ultrasound of my newest grandson who will be born mid April.  It was fascinating to see his little arms and legs, along with his spine, heart and other organs.   The doctor said all looked well.  These are always times mixed with such joy and sorrow for me.  These sweet children have a grandfather who would have loved sharing their earthly life with them and I LOVE seeing pits and pieces of him in these wonderful grandchildren.

This home I am visiting isn't perfect, but the spirit of love and caring abide and I do so enjoy sharing the spirit of love here.  I love how often these small children are told how special they are and how much they are loved.  My four year old granddaughter has such confidence in herself and how special she is it amazes me and provides her with the knowledge of how dearly she is loved by those around her.  I feel so at home here and love to visit.  I love this small town and the friendliness of the people I have met.  It is a good place to visit.

Merry Christmas to all and I will write later.

Today, at work the computer system was down for the whole day.  There are only so many projects one can do without the information in the computer or using the internet.  Not having enough to do can be hard work, I would rather be busy. 

During this time my co-workers and I had the opportunity to talk and because it is the holiday season, we talked of family and  Christmas memories.  During talking I had the chance to remember lovely memories of my own childhood and how Christmas has always been an honored tradition in my life.  I will probably be writing about these thoughts for the rest of December, I am well into the twilight of my life and I have many memories.

When asked what my favorite part of the holiday was growing up, I immediately answered family.  Growoing up I was fornutae to live close to all of my father's family.  We lived on a hill and we were the second from the top and two doors down was my grandparents home and down the alley was my father's younger brother and his older brother lived close by.  Christmas meant at least Christmas Eve dinner at my grandparents when I was very small and then after all our presents were opened on Christmas morning dinner at one of the relatives house.  My mother's family lived in Utah and we never spent a Christmas with them that I can remember, I am told once when I was an infant we did.

At the family gathering there were always presents to exchange. When the number of grandchildren was few there were wonderful gifts, especially from my Aunt Marge and Umcle Cliff.  They were the rich relatives, owning their own business and having one child.  My favorite gift from them was a bride doll.  This doll was the most beatiful doll I had ever seen and my aunt had made a whole wardrobe for the doll.  I still have this beloved doll today and everytime I take her out of her trunk I an blessed with a rush of childhood memories of hours of playing with her.

Some memories down more to come.

Hoidays

December has always been one of my favorite times of the year.  I am a child at heart and love the joy of Santa and children.  Not for the greedy reasons, but for the joy of being able to give to others and plan ahead to provide that joy.  I love talking to small children about what they are going to give to mom or brother or dad or whoevere.  If, I have the opportunity I take my grandchildren shopping for their parents.  I think sometimes when we become budget minded we forget to give small children especially the chance to create a list of things they would like to make or buy for others at Christmas.

Christmas with my husband was always a fun time, because we both loved the chance to give to one another and not have it be something needed or practical.  For the first ten years of our marriage he would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and I would always say a doll.   He never believed me until I emphazied how I really did want a doll.  The first doll he ever gave me for Christmas is still my favorite, because he finally listened and understood my inner child.  Sometimes I look at that doll and I remember all the glorious Christmases shared with him and my daughters throughout the years.

Christmas also means lights, and decorations.  For the last few years the lights have been a memory because for me to put them up is too difficult by myself.  When our children were growing up they would complain about the number of lights on the outside of our house, because it could be seen from blocks away.  I love Santa and Manager Scenes and for the last 40 years have collected a variety of different figurines and scenes.  Each represent the art of giving and the love for mankind to me and I find so much pleasure in putting these up in my home.

Christmas for me is also about tradition and the traditions passed from one generation to the next.  Marriage alwasys brings a sack full of conflicting traditions and the opportunity to seperate the important to each of you and the not so important.  Our compromise was Santa came on Christmas Eve while the children slept and we put bubble lights on the tree.  The Christmas Ever was mine and the bubble lights his, yet they still are traditions in our childrens home. 

I live on my own and Christmas could be a terribly lonely time for me.  I could live in the past and sometimes in my mind I do see the past.  I can see my excited husband as he prepared to wake the children and I can hear their excited voices behind the closed bedroom door.  The laughter and the oh's of watching someone take their turn at opening presents.  I love those memories, but look forward each year to the new memories which will be made.  This year Christmas will be spent with one of my daughters and her family.  They have their own traditions and some are ones she brought to the marriage and some his.  Yet, I will find joy in watching as their small children find the joy in Christmas morning and learn of the Savoir on Christmas Eve.

It is a wonerous time of year.